Growing up I wanted nothing more than to fit in, be like everyone else, be one of the cool kids. I wasn't aware of the word bully until several years ago as we called it being picked on. I wanted nothing more than to not be picked on. I wanted popular clothes, I wanted my pants not to come from a teacher who felt bad for me, I wanted to get a haircut more than once every few months.
I would have a birthday party when I was young and a few kids would come over and leave shortly after, nobody wanted to stay the night in a house that didn't have indoor plumbing. As I got older, nobody wanted to even come over for cake, it wasn't a store-bought cake.
I wanted to be popular, to have a lot of friends who hung around me all the time, I wanted to be the person in the middle of a group. I spent many hours wishing things were different, wishing we had money, wishing I wouldn't get punched at school each day. Nobody wanted to be the kid who had to bring in 5 gallon buckets of water after school each day, haul in firewood, cook meals for the family, feed the chickens and collect the eggs, watch public TV or nothing, use a galvanized water trough in order to take a bath, etc.
It wasn't a horrible childhood, it was just horrible being on outcast.
I'm 42, and I'm still in the same situation.
The subject really hit me hard this weekend as I had to visit town a few times and each time I heard, "aren't you cold?". If I was cold I wouldn't be wearing shorts and a tank top. How cold could I possibly get from the car to the grocery store?
I would just tell whomever asked, that I've been cold before and will be cold again. As someone who tries to be prepared, I had a bag of clothes in the car, I'm pretty sure nobody else did.
Did I pass anyone on the road when I was running or hiking? Nope, everyone was indoors on two beautiful days. The only people I saw were in vehicles, once again I just wasn't helping being the cool kid. I dropped over 14 miles of hiking and running, did some workouts with a kettle bell, did pushups, etc.
The road was muddy in spots, 8 inches of snow in spots and some dry sections. It was brutal. If you've never run on soft sand, it drains your energy and saps your will to move forward (especially uphill).
Avalanche danger was high this weekend, we survived. I think I got some sunburn, but that's what I get for being unpopular and running... in short tracks shorts and a tank top.
I can imagine most people are watching something on TV right now. What does the unpopular kid do? I'm listening to an old friend on talk radio, out of South Carolina, talking about nationalism, rugged individualism, etc. Maybe I'll learn something, maybe not.
When the show is over I'll read a book with our Valentines bear, too many dead flowers around so I got this big boy to cheer us up. I have some laundry to hand up too, the washer just stopped.
It seems to me even the uncool crowds have cool clicks though. The older I get the more I don't care about crowds though, cool or otherwise. I wish I could wear shorts year round like you cool kids though :)
ReplyDeleteI wear shorts a lot, even when it's probably not prudent. I can usually get warmer but I have a hard time cooling off so I would rather be slightly cold vs. overheated.
DeleteI guess that's as cool as it gets.
I moved up here to get away from people and to this very day I generally don't care much about their opinion of me unless I know them and respect them. You seem a straight shooter to me, why let strangers bother your peace of mind?
ReplyDeleteI don't let people bother me, it was just some reflecting on growing up and how I wanted so bad to fit in. Now I'm happy to be uncool and not fit in.
DeleteEverybody thinks back into the past and regrets. I am lucky because everybody who was ever involved in any unpleasant memories of mine is dead now. Getting older does have it's advantages.
DeleteYep, I was uncool, too, I live where my nearest neighbor is a mile away and in an area where if your family hasn't been here for a hundred years you are a short timer. People are friendly, but never socialize with short timers. This attitude has driven a lot of people to move elsewhere. We just laugh at them.....drives em crazy. You just do your thing and don't worry about anyone else.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that what rugged individualism is all about? Do your own thing and be left alone.
DeleteOur Amish neighbors moved away so we don't even get Lorie the dog or Rabies the cat visiting.
I am very surprised at your comments. I am 30 yrs older and we lived like that when I was very young. I had you pegged as a man who has his life all together and knows what he wants and does it. A very successful happy man! ( Forget the past)
ReplyDeleteWe are very happy with how things are, don't mistake my writing style for wanting/wishing.
DeleteMax, please do not view the "being popular" as "cool". Its not. I was bullied and picked on not by kids, but supposedly respected teachers in school, who worked me over because I had learning problems and vision problems. One teacher smacked me on the side of the head, broke my glasses and much later on in my life after and xray of my nose and cheek bones for thyroid surgery, dr found my nose broken and cheek bone broken. I never told my parents, as my dad was a cop in town and that is the reason I never did fit in.
ReplyDeleteYou know of the horrid problems I've had with parents and estates. I would of never got through it with out my strength I developed to cope with the "in crowd". I despise people, get enough of them here, where we live, no one talks, no one acknowledges you, which is fine. Be proud of your accomplishments, and your beautiful cabin in the woods, which I would sell everything I had to do what you have done.
Hold fast my friend.
We are super proud. Somehow this post came across as wishing, but it was reflecting.
DeleteAll the struggles growing up made me strong so I could deal with all of the crap that came at me/us.
I couldn't imagine a teacher hitting me, that might have been end game for someone had you spoken up about it. You have always seemed very strong to me, it's what we deal with in our past that helped shape us into what we are now. Sometimes we do need to catch a break, catch our breath.
Sounds like a productive weekend to me.
ReplyDeleteYou are the "real" deal! The rest are all posers!
ReplyDelete